I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
