my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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