I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
