You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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