I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
