I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
