I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
