Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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