i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
