the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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