dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
