well I can't set my house on fire every night
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
