I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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