saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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