Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
