She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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