just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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