we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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