Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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