I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
