Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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