oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
