Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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