I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
