Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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