I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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