ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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