i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
