I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
