The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
