God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
