So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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