Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
