my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
