Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
