so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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