I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
