I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
