fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize