i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
