I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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