i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
