Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
