I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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