Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
