i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
