ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
vagina is talking i cant
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
