I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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