so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
