She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
